The fake me, the story of my adolescence



Growing up I never really knew who I was, I was constantly changing friends and trying to find the right bunch that I fitted in with. As a result of changing friends often, I was often labelled as rebellious by family and people who knew me. It came to a point in my life around the age of 14/15 that after being called so many things by your own family and friends that you start to believe it yourself, and act that way.

Throughout my life I was “the stupid one”, the one with no direction and who couldn’t hold down a solid group of friends. The way that people acted towards me, made me push myself into worlds that I wouldn’t have thought of entering by myself. I found myself acting a certain way every time I changed friends, I was conforming to their ways and adopting their habits. Essentially, I was the fake friend.

Every few months I would change my group of friends, I always blamed myself for it when it happened, making myself feel small and telling myself that I am an outsider, I can’t fit in with anyone, that no one wanted me. I would get over it, hang with some new people and so the cycle continued.

Between being fake with people who I called “friends”, I never really stopped to wonder why i could never keep a full circle of friends. Until late last year, I realized that I wasn’t myself, rather, I hadn’t found myself. I was jumping from circle to circle because I didn’t know who I really was, what I wanted and who I wanted to keep in my circle.

It shook me to the core when I realized this, 20-years old and I didn’t know me? How was this possible? Is this why I never really excelled in anything great? Was it because of me not knowing myself that I couldn’t have a solid goal and find a good group of friends? When I started thinking about all of this and being aware of everything, I started piecing together parts of my life and why they went bad.

So, this year, I made a new year’s resolution (no it wasn’t to hit the gym and carry on), that I would focus on me. Guess what, when I started focusing on me and trying to discover who I really am, I started thriving. I saw myself and my life, in a whole different light.

For the first time in my life, I can finally say, that I am starting to feel happy. If you don’t feel like you fit in, remember it took me 20 years to finally start figuring out who I am.



Comments

  1. You've just gained a new follower. Absolutely love your style of writing. Also the journey of finding oneself is never-ending but oh so important. Focus on finding what makes you happy, such as with the rebranding of your blog and you'll soon discover yourself.

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  2. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog, I really appreciate it. And yes, my main goal now is to continue trying to understand the real me!

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